


The Kinder Egg Series

by Kare



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, but you probably know what it is about, it's wades fault, title gets explained in the fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-30
Updated: 2015-07-30
Packaged: 2018-04-12 02:49:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4462637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kare/pseuds/Kare
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was Wades fault. Totally. Because no one would blame Captain America for causing S.H.I.E.L.D.S. latest addiction...</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Kinder Egg Series

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, half of the world probably knows what the title is refering to... if not: welcome to one of the most awesome inventions of the 20th century. ^^
> 
> A suprising huge amount of this stuff is NOT made up. (See the end notes for a probably incomplete list...)
> 
> I count it as mild crack. And I regret nothing.

As was the case with many things, people would later agree that it was all Wades fault.

  


Yeah, as if Logan, that sneaky bastard, hadn’t used the exact same move time and again to get into someones pants. Or at least to cheer his favorites at Xavier's Institute.

  


But Wade didn’t feel like pointing that out to anyone. Because for once he was actually sort of proud of himself.

  


So, lets get a few basics down, right?

  


Wade is Canadian. Born there. Raised there. And just because it wasn’t all roses and sunshine - candidate for the understatement of the year - doesn’t mean he didn’t get to enjoy a thing or two.

  


We can probably also agree that Wade has a… not so slight disregard for the law where it suits him.

  


And like it or not: sometimes the merc with the mouth is hardly more than an overgrown child. One who kills for a living, talks to the voices in his head and has problems following a running conversation. But a child non the less… well… that and the whole not-dying thing, but who’s counting?

  


Still with me?

  


Superb.

  


Because here is what happened:

  


  


  


Wade honestly loved the US, But when he needed a holiday - or just to keep a low profile for a while - he still preferred Canada. It was more relaxed. And quite honestly: most of the nutballs didn’t bother to follow him there.

  


At least not if he hadn’t given them a good enough reason beforehand.

  


So that also meant that things got kind of boring after a while. All the more for someone who had Wades attention span… or rather the lack thereof.

  


So maybe that explained the first dollar spend at a Canadian gas station… or maybe it were two dollar or three or… well, you get the drift.

  


So Wade had sort of found himself a new hobby. Or however you want to call it.

  


And that could have been that.

  


If it were not for an armed robbery at a grocery store that… well… what do you expect? Two armed Americans that thought a not so quick jump over the border and a trip back might make for some easy money. It wouldn’t have worked at the best of times. But with Wade in the store… let’s just say that things were resolved pretty fast, if maybe a bit gory.

  


The store owner… was a bit repulsed, but still impressed. And if there was one things that Wade did not need - at least not in the amount offered to him - was money. So he rather took another box of his latest addiction… or maybe two or three… so what? Maybe Wade did have trouble with moderation. Do You know someone who doesn’t?

  


It sort of grew from there.

  


And it grew sort of fast.

  


Because only two weeks later Wade was back on his way to the states.

  


He was on board of a container vessel, not exactly as an officially boarded member, but hey, he was here, trying to track down drug smugglers and their goods. The problem wasn’t about tracking or finding or keeping it bloody. The problem was that he wasn’t too keen to swim all the way and most of the rest of the crew was sort of legal and contrary to popular believe he was not a complete ass…

  


And maybe an entire container of sort of illegal non-lethal trinkets on his name started to sound kind of less worrisome when one is currently bleeding down a shaft.

  


Just saying.

  


And because this is fiction, not a how-to-trick-customs guide, we will fast forward another two weeks.

  


Tracking down drugs which were worth a few million did pay him a nicely convenient sum when he turned them in at S.H.I.E.L.D. … though maybe it was because of the fact that he included the picture of the no-longer-alive head of the drug traders… who happened to have been on the wanted-dead-or-alive list until a few moments ago.

  


There had been that “can you prove he is dead?” line. Wade had offered quite sincerely to take the member of the chairborne divisions to a deep sea dive right now. No one really needed an air tank anyway, right?

  


He, his boxes and the katanas apparently were quite convincing in their wording.

  


Which might also explain how the content of his container ended up back in his New York apartment and not in the trash bins at customs.

  


It… sort of added a bit of color to his walls. So that’s something, right?

  


And glutton or no glutton, even Wade didn’t feel like wolfing it all down in one go.

  


And still that could have been it. Just a little story. Just a little cultural peculiarity. Just a memory from home that was pretty hard to come by in America.

  


But as had been said: Wade has a sort of short attention span. And between chimichangas and tacos and helping his favorite spider… well, life consists of other things, too, right?

  


And even here it could have been hardly more than a nice story. Something that happened and that one could be done with.

  


However, what followed actually was Wades fault.

  


Not the part where he kept hanging around with Spiderman again, even if it mean the was forced to help the other one every now and again, just to keep a cover for their conversations.

  


Truth be told: the arachnid was actually kind of cool - at least in Wades opinion.

  


Which was why he didn’t particularly saw the problem when the press reported unfavorable about them yet again. Damn cherry pickers. Come on: there wasn’t a single word about them stopping another armed robbery of a grocery store. And seriously, what was it with those? Weren’t there other places to rob? A bank? A nightclub? A playground? Just anything else? But, no, here again: armed robbery, grocery store, _two_ idiots - again. Seriously, was there a “how to rob something” guidebook around which everyone got the memo about but them?

  


Anyway.

  


Wade still remembered how he got out of that story in Canada. And he usually was a bit faster then the word of mouth about his misdemeanor, so he did it again. Just as successful, just as bloody and okay, most of that blood was his.

  


And see: he tried to be helpful, convenient, to keep the killing to a minimum. He even tweak his method a bit for that…

  


In a just world he would believe that his favorite spider was upset because Wade had gotten shot in the head. But he knew his place. So the likeliest explanation was that Spidey was upset about the bad media coverage Wades blood had caused.

  


So… you see… Wade might have had a soft spot for the younger man. At least one that was big enough to want to apologize somehow - in a Wade like fashion.

  


So… what to do?

  


By now Wade colorful cartons had already blended into a kind of wallpaper.

  


And his mind did work kind of different. He didn’t really think a new knife set would really lighten the younger mans mood. Though it would probably lighten Wades. So… yeah… he put it into the online shopping cart just because he could. Maybe a new maiden outfit to go with the spider costume? Hrm… he could guess Spideys size, but he probably would get it wrong. So a color coordinated police uniform to go with the Spidey costume was sort of out as well. Hrm… though you never knew when the costumes of the entire Village People cast would come in handy. So, yeah, there: a police officer, an Indian, a construction worker and a domina biker: check. A few more DVDs… had Spidey recently said anything about movies he liked _but did not own_? No… but the Babylon 5 set was cheap. Click. Another few new comic book releases… and maybe he needed another merc job kinda soon. But well… he had done something nice for himself. And it all came with the fun of not knowing how the postman would freak out this time.

  


Still, it sort of didn’t solve his “apologize to Spidey” problem.

  


It was only then, when Wade felt a bit more right with the world, that he consciously noted the red and white boxes again.

  


Which was totally something the nerdy young man would go for.

  


So Wade grabbed a triple-box and one of those indistinguishable brown paper bags that American public drunkards always had at hand in the movies.

  


And here, still, it could have been a nice gesture, without much consequence.

  


And Wade did get the laugh out of it he was hoping for.

  


Because while Spidey maybe sometimes liked Wade back, he was still weary about something that the merc carried around like a secret, a bomb or maybe rotten cheddar.

  


So Spidey asked the one sensible reason: “Wade, I don’t care what it is you are carrying around, just please, tell me it isn’t illegal.”

  


“If you insist: it isn’t…” and for a split second there was hope so palpable that Wade practically felt it oozing out of the other mans mask “… Though it totally is, though.”

  


Which totally wasn’t what Spidey had been hoping for, though he would be lying if he said that response came unexpected.

  


Wade could see the other mans face falling even through the mask, so that’s something.

  


Anyway. Proceed as if nothing happened. So Wade added ever so cheerfully: “This is banned by the 1938 Food, Drug, and Cosmetic Act, if you must know. It basically is illegal around here, because people are afraid that children might choke themselves to death if you gave them a toy covered in chocolate. Or some such… I never really understood, because the rest of the world seems to manage just fine. But well… anyway: a moderately intelligent adult won’t die because of them. Well, I am fairly sure a moderately intelligent child wouldn’t either, rumors of sinking school scores be damned. I am actually mostly positive an intelligent and grown up spider wouldn’t die from them either… which reminds me… do Spiders breath? Do they even have noses? I mean: you have a nose, right? So I guess spiders breath. Completely circular logic!”

  


And there may or may not have been a ‘dude are you for real?’ look oozing out of Spideys mask, but at least the younger man took the paper bag and peered inside.

  


After satisfying his curiosity enough to be sure that he was unlikely to hold a bomb, he boldly pushed his hand inside and took the small package out.

  


It was a bit too brightly colored for poison.

  


It was a red and blue paper package with some kind of egg thingy printed on it and… “Dude, is that Yoda?”

  


“Sure, three chocolate sweets with one collect nerd figure guaranteed.”

  


Spidey continued to stare at the package in some kind of morbid fascination. “He looks… ill.”

  


“Well, I like to see how you fare after being imprisoned in a brightly yellow plastic capsule for an undisclosed amount of time… though I might have to try to kill everyone who does something like that to you.”

  


“You do realize that you are saying those things aloud, right?”

  


“Sure, someone has to!”

  


And so patrol was unceremoniously postponed for another few minutes while Spidey sat down and started to investigate.

  


It were indeed three eggs, about the size of a regular egg, covered in thin foil. Underneath was a chocolate egg. And just because Wade had said something about choking to death Spidey was very careful to crack the egg open, as to not to die on what ever was inside. Maybe he tried it in a bit of a caveman fashion. And with sound effects. Much to Wades amusement. This way Spidey managed to get chocolate all over his gloves, but well, he had to admit, it was… okay. For chocolate. Normal milk chocolate on the outside, some kind of white chocolate on the inside. Predominately sweet.

  


And there it was, a yellow capsule on the inside.

  


He eyed it suspiciously. He was pretty sure that you _could_ choke on it - if you were hell bend on swallowing something that somehow resembled those animated minions without any facial features… or hands or feet or anything else.

  


So he cracked the small container open and was rewarded… with pieces, a assembling instruction done in pictures… and… voila… a car. A sports car. A decade earlier or two and he would have loved it. Now he only pushed it around once or twice before making his way to the second egg. After all he had to make sure Wade hadn’t tinkered with them or something. Right? Yeah, totally.

  


Wade sort of stole part of the chocolate while Spiderman took the time to straighten out some kind of cloth Frisbee. He looked between the rumpled piece in his hand and the instruction and Wade was pretty sure the foremost question in the young mans mind was: “Dude, does that even fly?”

  


They tried. Wade conveniently placed himself no more than five meters away and he caught it… barely. It probably was meant as an indoor Frisbee anyway.

  


So, on to number three.

  


They shared the chocolate this time. Wade really had a sweet tooth for it.

  


And Spidey munched his half while cracking the container open… and… Darth Vader.

  


He looked sort of unhealthy too. Truth be told: he looked a bit like someone had tried to build a monkey and had painted the result black. Or maybe it was meant as a world destruction robot? Who knew…

  


And being able to open his head and look at two plastic halves came with it’s own kind of strange. But well: it was sort of…

  


Spidey frowned so hard it was even visible through his mask. “Is that thing pouting? I could swear it is!” Who thought a pouting Darth Vader was likely to accomplish more?

  


And Wade was totally not jealous. And he had totally not been wanting a Darth Vader for himself. So Wade tried in his usual unsubtleness: “If you don’t like it I can take it off your hands.”

  


“Nope, a gift is a gift. And who knows: maybe he loosens up from the whole world domination business if I treat him right.”

  


So, okay, less subtle.

  


“We are talking Darth Vader here. He is in on the whole universe domination thingy. I doubt you will be talking him out of it.”

  


And Spidey, never one to budge said he was very ready to try.

  


So, okay, even less subtle.

  


“Look, I’ll trade you. Darth Vader totally needs someone who understands his darker tendencies. And he can help me plan my next jobs and all. And you need someone to keep your spirits up. I got a Captain America out of one of those things once. I am fairly certain I still got him somewhere. He might have put on a few pounds, but he still has the self-righteous do-gooder attitude on his face.”

  


Which… yeah, Wade had learned a few things about Spidey over the years. This one was bound to work. Even if Spidey didn’t part from Vader instantly, Wade knew he had he younger one hooked.

  


And maybe even here: that could have been that.

  


A neat way to apologize to Spidey every now and then. Or maybe just a way to make the younger one smile. A few moments shared on some roof. A way to bond… yeah, well… Wade tried to keep his optimism about other people, okay?

  


But a deal is a deal.

  


And Wade hadn’t lied about the figure or the fact that it probably still was somewhere… if by somewhere you mean: somewhere on this globe. In the end it was easier to order the figure online. Which was why it took an entire week, till Wade finally made good on his promise.

  


And it just happened that the entire Avengers cast was there, plus Wolverine, Rogue and a few other of Xavier's kids of which Wade had never bothered to learn the name.

  


And yeah, Wade was bad with gratification delay. So he kept pestering Spidey through the entire mission. And the younger man had the good sense to finally relieve Wade of his jitters right after the world saving routine was finished. So this is how the infamous trade off of the depressed Vader against a surprisingly optimistic looking Captain America figurine happened.

  


And even that might not have been half bad, if it was not for most of the rest still standing around them.

  


It turned out that Captain America wasn’t the biggest fan of any kind of memorabilia that featured him. It didn’t matter if it were Coulsons trading cards, the frankly spastic action figures of the 80s or those bubble heads.

  


He got the relation between fan toys and the money in his bank account. But it still didn’t make up for the frankly bewildered feeling of seeing yourself _like that_. (And yes, _like that_ had, just once, include a frankly ridiculous porn Buck had recently unearthed on the internet: “But, Captain, why are you wearing a ski mask?” “Well, Bucky, why is there straw on the floor?” *perplexed silence* “Well… then… suck me off!” … And those people had not even looked like them!)

  


So, yeah, you get the news reel of yourself punching Hitler on endless repeat and see how your self-image changes.

  


Of cause Rogers objected to that figurine. It was almost comically overweight, to point out the most startling one. Not that he really needed another anatomically correct figurine dedicated to him, but come one! He didn’t have those bunny teeth either. Not to mention the jug ears. Neither was he too happy about the eyes.

  


Spidey tried, really tried to mention the positive aspects. Namely… well… Darth Vader sure had gotten the shorter end of the deal.

  


Rogers would have none of it, because hey: artist, remember? And beside, who was that Vader anyway?

  


At which point Stark butted in… and, well, we all know a reason for a movie marathon, when we see one, right?

  


So, still, that could have been that.

  


But Rogers is a good person and did tell Spidey his ‘thank you’ when he next saw him. Because at least that evening had been a whole lot more enjoyable then _The Life Of Brian_ his friends recently had put him through.

  


So there was that. An awkward pause. And the one question that sort of marked the point of no return.

  


“Where did you even got those, son?”

  


Because by now Spidey knew. It had taken a bit of time on the Internet. But eventually he had found out about mystery that was the Kinder Suprise Egg and why half of the world enjoyed them but not the US and… was that really a topic he wanted to get into with Captain America of all people?

  


Because obviously he had had one on American turf… something that would be pretty hard to hide if Steve asked…

  


Well, it was either that or lying. And the Captain spotted a lie from miles away. So… yeah… deep breath, out with it… even if there was quite a bit of a stammer to the words of the normally smooth talker.

  


Though truth be told: Captain America had heard so many strange things since they de-frosted him, that a sweet with a little toy hidden in it, which half the world enjoyed but not the US, thanks to some food regulation or another… there were worse things. Things like... Rakfisk? Those rotten fished those Norwegians pass as delicious? Who can claim a fulfilled life without ever tasting Kimchi? Which is something that comes down to fermented veggies. And not to forget that he and Bucks once fought a country for world peace that serves dishes called ‘cold dog’ - which was a pretty sturdy dessert made out of chocolate and cookies - or ‘dead granny’ - some kind of soup made of roasted kiszka, drinking straw not included.

  


So, yeah, the kid had obviously not hurt himself. And he stressed that they were legal in Canada as well and…

  


“Just take care of yourself, son, ‘k?”

  


And that could have been that.

  


Just another entry on Steves ever changing list.

  


Except that he worked for S.H.I.E.L.D. and those people did send him right around the world.

  


And those things were legal in quite a few places. Germany for example - where he had to do some diplomatically important shake hands with one person or another and… well… Steve was a practical man. Bucky was totally coming with him, if only to see how much the country had changed since their last visit. Well, the last one they had had together. Because Steve wasn’t entirely sure where Bucks had been in all his years as the Winter Soldier. None of them were. Rogers knew he had gotten more out of the other man than most other people who had tried. And he had kept mum about most of it. Because in the end Bucks trust was more important than S.H.I.E.L.D.s orders.

  


If having his best friend with him meant said friend sort of was getting bored out of his skull. Well… he also knew how to keep Bucks occupied and motivated.

  


And if there was one thing you got to hand S.H.I.E.L.D. … well, at least as long as it was an public relations mission, their stays were pretty high end and discreet.

  


Half of the time Bucky used it to ask a receptionist for a special vodka or some such thing Natasha had recommended him recently. He usually got it, too. It would have bothered Steve a whole lot more if Bucks actually was able to get drunk. But his serum worked somewhat like Steves, at least when it came to alcohol. And let’s be honest for a moment: normal people don’t drink alcohol for the taste but more for the effect. If the effect went out of the window… would you continue drinking? If the drink was right? Well then, now go and find something tasty. Which was sort of Buckys self-set around-the-world-challenge.

  


He also used the stay to check Jägermeister and Kümmerling off his list.

  


Hey, if one screws up ones bio rhythm it at least had to be for something, right?

  


So, Buck was trying a number of local things, including beer.

  


And Steve tried his most charming I-am-completely-not-flirting smile as he asked the receptionist if maybe she would get him some of those eggs. He really had a busy schedule and… okay, he might have been willing to make up a bet or something. But the receptionist just looked at him and the 30 Euro he was willing to hand her.

  


In her face there was the clear question if he actually had thought it through, but well: the costumer is king and all that.

  


So she took the 30 Euro. And at the same evening Steve found three big, colorful, brightly wrapped big eggs and - he counted - around 30 smaller ones - or as he was led to understand: normal eggs.

  


They looked… surreal. There were some with Christmas motives on the wrapping and even a small hanger that suggested you were supposed to put them on a Christmas tree, some came with a pink top, some just with a more laid back design including a red bottom and a white top and…

  


Steve marveled just how impossible something like that would have been in his youth. During the war food was rationed. And they did send chocolate to the front, sure. More often then not soldiers used it to make a fire. Chocolate burned startlingly well. And keeping warm was an issue. So there: the not so funny truth about what had happened to all those sugary goods. Because quite frankly: if you are starving half of the time your body doesn’t take a sugar bomb all that well.

  


But back in his days this would have been a stroke of genius. This wasn’t an entire chocolate bar. Doing the math it probably came down to one or two regular chocolate pieces and a toy… or a collectible or… it would have made kids so happy back then. Even if you only ever afforded one once or twice a year. And now you got it practically at every street corner.

  


He was very close to call this off. Maybe trash them or gift them or… just something.

  


Because Steve learned to be honest when he didn’t get something in this new world.

  


He was also honest enough to know that his irritation would pass and he would likely try one after an hour or two.

  


His ‘so what’ attitude hadn’t yet materialized by the time Bucky came over - with three movies to choose from and a bottle of Jim Bean that tasted so sweet it could as well have been liqueur.

  


They even managed to choose a film - basically because Bucks was carrying The Life of Brian, Freddy vs. Jason as well as Shoot ‘Em Up in front of him like a particularly noteworthy poker hand. And seriously, what kind of choice is that? So Steve just pointed at the one he disliked least. Even if it meant that they would spend the better part of the evening arguing how to not use a gun.

  


But that was about as far as they got before Bucky - as subtle as ever - pointed to the mess on the table and voiced in the voice of someone long suffering: “Rogers, what did you do this time?”

  


So Steve explained. Including the ‘chocolate and toy’ and ‘not in the US’ and ‘just wanted to try’ and ‘curious’ part. And while Steve basically took those eggs as to be a bit decadent, Bucky was smitten almost instantly. He had the good grace to ask before grabbing the first one.

  


The foil wrapping sailed to the floor in pieces. And though they did not know it at the time Bucky probably was one of only a hand full of people who didn’t crack the egg in half but who bit of the top of the chocolate sphere and came away with the yellow capsule right between their teeth.

  


Steve watched in amusement as Bucks spat out the yellow capsule, almost absently rubbing his tongue over his front teeth - a move that was soon to become Steves favorite - checking for damage, while simultaneously practically ripping the yellow container open.

  


Bucky was lucky in so far that he got a collectible figure on first try - some sort of Christmas animal assemble, if the explanatory paper was anything to go by - and therefore didn’t have to fish small plastic pieces from under the couch or something.

  


And it was… bright… and colorful… and sort of brightly colored.

  


It was… probably the most harmless, life affirmative things Bucky had ever seen. A small, sitting sheep with a red and white windmill in one of his paw. And if you blew at it… the windmill actually spun around.

  


Bucky did spend a good three minutes spinning said wheel again and again with the help of his human forefinger.

  


And no, Steve was most definitely not taking the time, thank you very much.

  


So, of cause Bucky kept the sheep. Steve approved. Though both were careful to not say this aloud. And Bucky didn’t care that the sheep supposedly already had a name. He would call it sheep. The sheep called sheep. It seemed sort of fitting. And he did continue absently playing with its wind wheel for the rest of the evening.

  


Steve figured kinda soon that if he wanted Bucky to continue being his adorkable enthusiastic self he himself would need to eat an egg or two. Just to get the message across to Bucky that it was totally fine if he continued eating. Partly because Steve really didn’t feel like munching all that by himself. And partly because it was kind of cute to watch Bucky trying to assemble small plastic pieces with his normal and his bionic arm.

  


Steve hadn’t really found much yet that really got Bucky to use both hands. The man eat with one hand - always had for that matter. A fork is enough when there is no meat that requires a knife. The man hated typing, though he was a pro at handling his smart phone with his human hand. He even had started to handle most of his weapons with his human hand.

  


Stark had repeatedly stressed how awesome Bucks bionic arm was and that the quality of both arms was equal. Steve knew the man long enough to understand that Stark regarded the bionic arm higher than a normal arm but had wisely kept that thought to himself as to not get his ear chewed of for that one.

  


A rare moment of tact, so to speak.

  


And somehow that had led to Steve generally talking _around_ Buckys arm. It was seldom mentioned. Steve took care to never judge it one way or another. But one of the way too many doctors Bucky had seen over time had mentioned that even a metal arm needed training if it was not to loose it’s effectiveness.

  


Those small toys turned out to be the perfect opportunity for that.

  


Which would be Steves version, if anyone would ever bother to ask.

  


It had nothing to do with the almost childlike enthusiasm of his best friend, or with the somewhat cool bike he got out of his first egg and whose hind wheel somehow kept spinning for ages and which actually did drive sort of reliably over the table just as it was supposed to… and sort off over the edge of the table. To Buckys amusement.

  


And it wasn’t broken after falling down either, which was more then Steve had come to expect from most of this modern age.

  


It was sort of nice.

  


The did make their way through the egg-pocalypse during that night. They even got the big ones down. And there were a number of duplicates. So it led to Bucky wondering who had picked those eggs out.

  


Steve thought, just for a moment, to mention that part of the surprise probably was that you could not be sure beforehand what you would end up with… but… well… a wise mans knows how to pick his battles, right?

  


And so the TV table was crowded with yellow capsules, pieces of paper, small toy cars, toy planes, some throw-and-catch toys and a surprisingly well balanced spinning toy.

  


And Bucky was really fascinated by them.

  


So Steve did what any not-so sneaky friend the world over would have done:

  


The next day he found the time to drag Bucky into the next supermarket and while he took way more time then any normal person would ever need to choose a pizza for dinner, Bucky found the source of his latest addiction and sort of… well… they were only staying one more day and Bucky had sort of picked up that a bit of ‘I am sorry, I don’t speak your language, but that doesn’t keep me from flirting with you’ got him a long way, even if he understood every utterance in the room.

  


So there, let the man have a some fun, will you?

  


And it was brilliant evening. One to remember, that was for sure.

  


And it sort of also started a tradition. Because whenever they were together on a mission somewhere on the globe, they would try to go out of their way to get some more of these eggs.

  


Which was it’s own kind of brilliant.

  


And over the next one and a half year they took their little private hobby to Moscow, Tokyo, Rome (and yeah, Rome had been a personal favorite for them), some god forgotten town in the nowhere of Canada, to the Australian outback and Berlin, again.

  


Every time Bucks came back with a not so small plastic bag filled with small toys and almost always with a collectible figure or two. Back home one of his walls started to become a little colorful as well. Buck was okay with it, Steve smiled every time he saw it. So all was fun and fair…

  


Until a nitpicker stopped them at customs. He was sort of skeptical what a grown man would want with so many toys. And he did recognize the toys somehow, placing them - correctly - to be from illegal Kinder eggs.

  


Steve did the wrong thing: namely applying common sense to law.

  


The law, as far as he had understood it, meant that it was illegal in the US to cover toys with candy. Once you got rid of the candy the toys were probably legal. Because hey: it was the set up, not the content the law opposed.

  


Said nitpicker really had gotten off the wrong side of the bed that morning, because boy did he start to shout.

  


Bucky had turned an unhealthy shade of white. And Steve had had more than enough. Transatlantic flights usually did that to him.

  


So, a bit of fast thinking and… well, the likeliest person to get him out of this with minimal fuss… was without a doubt Coulson.

  


Steve didn’t particularly like calling Phil, because generally speaking he was a grown up person who could handle himself and his own business. However if he started handling this all by himself the man in front of him would soon be missing his head.

  


And there was a subtle art to asking without asking.

  


Because instead of telling Coulsen that they had a problem and might be guilty (which would have gotten them nowhere with the nitpicker listening in) he explained in a matter of fact voice that they were held up in customs, Steve was still trying to figure out why - which was actually a true statement - and it might take them a while and - you best hide a lie between or beside two truths - they weren’t really sure when they could make it to the headquarter.

  


And Coulson was a bright man. He understood the ‘help?’ part, he understood that heads would roll if Steve lost mission-rights with Bucky over something stupid - regardless of why they were held up - and that Steve still tried for damage control. Because anything less low profile would cause a fuss and would get him, or probably Bucky, into trouble.

  


It was a pretty well known fact that Coulson was probably Caps biggest fan. But he got called in on this because if you ever need a BAMF, Coulson is you man.

  


Which was why, not even 15 minutes later, Coulson came walking in, all relaxed, a lawyer at his side. The woman was so discreet, she almost could have passed as his secretary.

  


And even Bucky had to admit, once his pulse came down, that the following was kind of… entertaining.

  


Coulson did ask what had happened, looked at the toys with an expression that said “are you shitting me?” all to clearly, got the lawyer beside him to quote more paragraphs then a normal human being should know, told the two men with a simple gesture to just get up and take their stuff; and when the nitpicker started to protest, Coulson ran the math by the man as to how much the tax payer was loosing because the dude was holding up Americas finest and kept them from debriefing - a debriefing which would spell the end of a 39 hour shift for at least 17 people. So if the man was done being ridiculous, they would kindly call it a day now.

  


After that Bucky did have to admit that Coulson was kind of cool and maybe did deserve a bit more respect or bro points or what ever it was this new time gave to people like him.

  


And the point is: Coulson would have kept mum about it. Bucky and Steve were both rather sure about that part.

  


All the more since Steve's usual act of saying thanks for something meaningful was a signed drawing with a complimentary dedication. If you asked Coulson that was more than adequate for a job well done.

  


And even here it could have been a private joke.

  


If it wasn’t for Natashas keen eyes and her tendency to be nice every now and then and the fact that she had actually gotten Bucky a tripple-egg-box-set as a present once - while all of the Avengers stood around.

  


So, it kind of grew from there.

  


Thor was all to easy to hook on the concept. Clint would have never said it out aloud, but for a man with a shitty childhood those things did hold a personal appeal. Natasha just smiled. And while Stark was raving against commercialism and that he could come up with better toys… Bruce took out his smart phone and just started to google what the whole commotion was about.

  


Which was how the whole things spread among the Avengers.

  


Thor did enjoy those eggs and every now and then he brought some from his trips to Europe for his friends to enjoy them alongside him. And Thor was about as bad with moderation as was Wade.

  


After the second time Natasha kindly asked to be left out of the madness. She offered to show them where to get them legally in America, if only they spared her with those sugary goods.

  


Which was why the Avengers started taking individual trips to Little Odessa - the Russian quarter near Conney Island. And if Bucks and Steve used the trips every now and again to revisit other childhood favorites, well… no one needed to know, right?

  


And those trips to shops selling international goods maybe did become a bit more frequent for a while.

  


Stark had proven that he was able to install a self-running holographic projector inside one of the yellow plastic containers. And him being Stark he didn’t exactly use them for educational purposes… let’s just keep it at that.

  


Bruces answer was an automatic, metallic spider, which crawled out of the container once you opened it. Bruce had figured it to be a bright idea to test his invention on Pepper. Well… if it really needs pointing out: that woman is dating Tony Stark and had turned one of the worlds greatest womanizer into a mostly stable partner. A metallic spider wasn’t something she batted an eyelash at.

  


Surprisingly enough: Thor almost started running.

  


And so it was that a number of grown ups were starting to take toys from all over the world back into their home country.

  


Coulson was called in two more times - both times for Clint - to resolve some customs situation. And it was one of the younger S.H.I.E.L.D. members overhearing the story this far. Really only the spark notes version.

  


Which was how Wade - not Captain America, because the all American hero would never do such a thing - caused half of S.H.I.E.L.D. to smuggle international toys from all around the world back to America.

  


It became sort of a signature move: a job well done and someone, somewhere would get a bunch of Surpise Eggs, eat as much chocolate as they felt like - which usually wasn’t all that much - and raid the contents of the yellow containers.

  


The more boring toys usually stayed behind, messily arranged around the nearest table. And the more interesting ones made it back to the US, as a sort of… well, call it an initiation rite or maybe a dare or… what ever.

  


And Steve - and occasionally even Bucky - learned not to be startled when a young agent, who otherwise counted as a complete stranger, suddenly presented them with a colorful piece of plastic, just winked and disappeared around the next corner.

  


It was an interesting way to get to know quite a number of people, at least by sight. And it did have the advantage that Bucky collection did become a lot more refined kind of fast.

 

**Author's Note:**

> A suprising huge amount of this was not made up. There is a Yoda bubble head and a Darth Vader bubble head, both of which could be found in a KinderEgg. I am sure I saw the Captain America one online. The porn dialog is a genuine one... though the original was in German (one that did not have a Stucky reference). The sheep with the wind wheel is a genuine Kinder Überraschungs item. As well as the cloth frisbee or the motor bike and the kinder egg designs and... yeah, well... I had some time to kill during the last NaNo. ;P And... yeah... I am a huge child inside. So, there you go. ^^ I hope you enjoyed. ^^ And as always: all creations are the property of their respective designers/ creators/ copyright owners. No copyright infringement intended. I am just playing with it. ^^


End file.
